I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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