Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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