I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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