remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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