Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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