true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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