Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I cannot find my penis.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
