Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
