Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
