is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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