Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
