I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
