First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
