So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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