Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i wish my penis had a tongue
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
