On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
