I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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