you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
