Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
