Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I deserve this hangover.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
