my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
