That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
