a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
