I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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