I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
