you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
