There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Is Oprah even human
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
