I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
