Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
