i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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