All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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