I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
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