If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
my phone needs a breathalizer
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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