Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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