I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Randomize