I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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