ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
