U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
