Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
