dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
