apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
