yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
