i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
