I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
