I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
