I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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