The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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