you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
