how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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