his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You can't just leave with hair like that
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
