why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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