I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
