i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize