last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
