I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
