I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
