I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
