So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
