I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
