i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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